I've ignored this blog for 2 years now.
Whoops.

Since I know not many people read this haha it's now become my own little place where I can discuss what I want; without fear of having to censor myself or pretend that all is hunky dory when really, it's not.

Have you ever had that feeling that nothing is going right?
That you are dying from the inside?
That no matter what you do, instead of getting better things just keep getting worse?

That's what's going on for me right now.

There is this HUGE urge every morning to just get in the car and instead of heading into work, just driving and not stopping until I am out of gas.
Each paycheck I have to fight the urge to just load up a U-Haul with everything I own and taking off for lord knows where.

Some may say, "Do it, just go".
But then the fear...that grippling fear takes a hold of me. The one where I wonder, what will happen to if there is an emergency? Who will help me with the boys, or the car if I leave and have no one around-no family or friends?
So I fight the urge to leave and stay.
Stuck.
Bored.
Unhappy.

I want something new. I feel like I NEED something new. This life here is NOT working for me.
I have a job that while I enjoy the people and the company, I am bored in. There is no challenge. No room to advance.
In 10 years if I stayed, I'd most likely still be doing the same thing. I want more. I deserve more.
I know that I have skills that I are not being used. That are being wasted.
But the fear of something new keeps me back from even updating my resume. What does that tell you?

I have a handful of things in my life right now the genuinely give me happiness. First amongst those are my boys.
But I can't give them the life I want to...the life they deserve. I can't even give them a home of our own.
I have some great friends, but I don't see them enough. Most of them also do not understand how I feel. They are not in the same situation. They have homes, and husbands and love. The things I can only see in my dreams. But once the light hits my face, the reality sets in and those dreams fade for another time...a time when my eyes are closed and the dream world exists.
I have the 3 day. That gives me joy...to raise money and walk for a good cause. It is about the only thing right now that I feel passionate about. The only thing I feel good about besides the boys.
And yet, there are those around me including family who do not understand that, who do not support that.

I don't know what to do...something needs to be done. I can't continue this way.
As my friend Steven aka GB said...I need to stop the negativity as its not healthy.
However, I am always honest with my feelings. And if they are negative, then I will express them. Sorry GB. Better to express them and get them out, then keep them in and go crazy.

This was supposed to be my year...I felt it. Then it started to fade. It's not going according to plan.
I guess it's time to rethink things, come up with a new plan.